I've been at war with my neighbor's cat. He would chase my feet as I walk, so I would pet him, but as soon as I would stop he would attack me. Or sometimes he would attack me while I was petting him. I just figured he played rough. The other day he was chasing me, so I pet him, and when I stopped he ran after me. Then all of a sudden he jumped up and CLAWED MY SHOULDER!! Think about it. The little bastard actually jumped up on my shoulder and raked me with his claws! My shirt was torn and my shoulder bleeding. This is a cat with no redeeming social values. So I bent down like I was going to pet him then I flicked my knuckle on his face. Then, as he was kind of stunned, I kicked him and he ran away. The next day when I got home from work he was hiding under the stairs watching me. As soon as I started up the stairs he swung around and ran up the stairs to attack me again, when I kicked him right in his face with my steel-toed boot. His head went back and hit the railing and then he ran off. I shouted "Come back here and fight like a man, you pussy!" But he seemed to take no notice of that. I guess cats aren't really offended when you call them a "pussy." Actually I made that last part up. I didn't shout anything at him.
The next day as I came up the stairs I saw him lying on the neighbor's welcome mat, and he just glared at me. Today he was hiding under the stairs again, but as I got close he ran off into the bushes. YES! WOO HOO!! I AM THE ALPHA CAT!! WOO HOO HOO!! USA! USA! IN YOUR FACE, CROCODILE HUNTER!!
What are you most proud of? The Bible scorns the idea of pride (Proverbs 16:18, Pride goeth before destruction, Proverbs 11:2, When pride cometh, then cometh shame.). But Aristotle (a much wiser man than the author of Proverbs...) sees pride as a virtue. He distinguishes it from arrogance in that to feel pride is to have a rational evaluation of yourself. Arrogance is feeling proud of yourself when there is no justification to do so. When that realization is discovered, false pride leads to self-hate. To quote some web page that I forgot to note, “If one’s abilities are not as good as one would like to pretend, it is just a matter of time before they are genuinely tested, and the results will destroy the flimsy self-esteem.” I think this is why all the awards given to school children in the ‘90s (“Everyone’s a winner! Everyone gets an award! We’re all for self-esteem here!) has been found to have backfired, and has created a bunch of winey, confused, privileged jerks. Uh, except for the good ones, of course. No, Aristotle says, pride makes a person want to improve himself. A person is proud if he thinks he is worthy of great things, but only if he actually is worthy of great things. This cultivates an ego that is concerned more with the truth than for what people will think. As St. Augustine says, pride is “the love of one’s own excellence.” Of course, the evaluation of one’s own excellence should be considered an objective assessment, not a purely subjective one. Which brings me to my question; What are you most proud of?
Most people I’ve asked have answered with the typical “I’m most proud of my children!” I’m not sure you can be proud of the accomplishments of another human being. Maybe if you assume they have no free will and that their accomplishments were purely your accomplishments. Or maybe everyone actually has very little confidence in their children as they watch them mature, and are totally shocked when they turn out to be at least competently productive members of society. Some people have replied with “I’m most proud of where I am in my life today.” I think this is a legitimate answer, although, with all the factors that go into bringing a person to the state that he or she is in at any given time, I don’t think this can honestly be an answer of a purely single accomplishment.
So what am I most proud of? I look back in my life and find things that I’m happy with. I’ve learned lessons that I’m glad I had the chance to learn. I’ve been in situations that I can look back on and feel a sense of accomplishment about. Or just a satisfaction of having gone through a certain situation. But that’s more about being comfortable with my life. When I ask myself what it is that I’m most proud of, I think of what it is that I’ve created.
I’ve made drawings that I’m very proud of. It’s very difficult to picture something in your head and have it come out on paper exactly as you imagined it. Sometimes it happens. Mostly it doesn't. I remember certain times in high school, acting in plays or doing improv where suddenly everything comes together and there is that fleeting, perfect moment where you want to step back and just soak it all in, but suddenly it’s gone as the next person says their line and you have to move on. I’ve had moments playing in bands on stage where what I was doing would mesh seamlessly with what the other musicians were doing. Suddenly it's like every musician on stage is speaking with the same voice and the different instruments blend together and compliment each other at the same time. I remember playing in a really bad cover band at the Silver Dollar Saloon in Marysville California, and it was late and I was tired and the band somehow ended up playing Eric Clapton's "Cocaine," which we had vowed never to do. After an over-lengthy guitar solo (aren't they all?) the guitarist turned to me and motioned for me to take a solo. Did I mention it was late? And that I was tired? And it was a crappy band? And the band was late for taking a break? With a disgusted look on my face I shook my head "no" at the guitar player and pointed to my watch, and, probably since I had just turned 21 and he was 10 years older than me, the guitar player went up to his microphone and announced "Garwin Burcher on keyboards." After I got over the shock of what a dirty trick that was, and as people in the crowd cheered me on, I played what was probably the most amazing organ solo of my life. I realized about half way through, "Hey, this is turning out pretty good!" and at least three people came up to me in the course of the night and complimented me on that solo (which had never happened before, and hasn't happened since). I wish it had been recorded. I'd love to be able to hear it again.
Are there many things in my life that I've been proud of? Probably. What's on my mind now though, and the whole reason I picked this subject, is my song "Turning Back."
“Turning Back” is one of those songs based on a total improvisation, which is just me sitting down at my keyboard and playing, making up notes on the spot. I think these songs are the most uniquely “me,” since it’s all subconscious writing; I’m not focusing on the notes or song structure, I’m just “in the moment” of playing, and every note I play, naturally (in my mind) leads to the next.
The song is based on a part I wrote for guitar, the part from 0:41 to 1:13). I recorded that part over and over, not thinking about any specific song structure, just wanting to have a basic foundation to record over and to play around with the ideas for a melody. So, as the tape was running, I recorded over the acoustic guitar part (from 1:45 to 3:19) using a keyboard patch that I liked from my Korg Triton Pro synthesizer. I was mostly concerned with experimenting with the sound itself. Playing notes with my right hand, I used my left hand to manipulate the pitch-bend wheel whenever I thought it appropriate (see 2:01 to 2:05 for an example). The Triton Pro also has a ribbon controller, which, like the pitch-bend wheel, can be programmed for many different effects. In this keyboard patch it is programmed to act as a wah-wah pedal, which effects the sound of the filter frequency; press a finger on the left side and the high frequencies of the sound dim, slide up to the right side and the sound gradually gets brighter (check out 2:18 to 2:38). Also, I found that when the middle of the ribbon is tapped, the sound cuts in and out, as if the connection is bad (2:37 and 2:11, and 4:05 for a more prominent effect). I thought that was pretty cool. So as I was improvising a melody with my right hand, I was experimenting with the shape of particular notes with the pitch-bend and ribbon controllers with my left. I took one pass at recording and experimenting, and then I listened back to it and was really surprised at the results. I was only half-listening when I was recording, since I was experimenting with different things, so when I listened to what I had recorded it was a bit of a surprise that it effected me really emotionally. The original intent was to pick out the bits that I really liked and make a song using those melodies, but the more I listened back to it, the more I got used to how the whole thing fit together. To make it more of a song, I just repeated the second section, which sounded more like it could be a chorus (2:39 to 3:19). I then wrote a way for it to end, and then wrote the intro last. I felt that the solo instrument sound was a bit harsh, so I decided to bring it into the song slowly, so it wouldn’t be as jarring (at 1:28). Oh, and the accompanying acoustic guitar part was also a one-off spur-of-the-moment part (maybe a little cliché, but it fit nicely) from 1:15 to 1:25.
The title (like most of my titles) came last. The idea of this song (an extended solo) was really inspired by a Jeff Beck song called “Where Were You,” and I originally thought of naming my song that. When I first heard the Jeff Beck song the title seemed out of place, implying a “Hey, where were you? I’ve been waiting at “Buffalo Wings & Things” for an hour now!” But the more I thought about it, “Where Were You” could imply that the person in question was needed in more of an emotional capacity. But I finally thought the title had too much baggage. I don’t remember all the other titles I briefly liked. And I don’t remember how I finally thought of “Turning Back,” but I thought it was a perfect name. I haven’t decided if I like the idea of relevant song titles or not. I like for people to get whatever meaning there is from the song itself. I think the mark of a successful work of art is when it conveys the meaning that the artist intends it to have. If the art in question is music, then the emotion of the song should be conveyed through the music itself. Give a song a certain title and the song then implies that specific meaning. Which kind of limits its impact and forces the listener to hear it on specific terms, not purely from a musical standpoint. Having said that, I’ve been told by a couple of friends that they really feel an emotional impact from “Turning Back,” after I told them to “Listen to it and imagine every regret you ever had!” I guess if the title helps to get a little more meaning from the music, then that’s ok.
So that’s “Turning Back.” Maybe not the thing I’m most proud of in my life, but definitely the song I’m most proud of having written.